Photo provided by Jana Long
Taken by Mike Mezuel II
Some of you may say, "You sure are
arrogant to say you have found the
Heart of God in your storm." I must
say if that is what you have gotten
out of this, then you might be
focusing on the wrong thing. For
you see this is not a story about
me finding the Heart of God during
my past storms. What I am writing,
is me looking to find the Heart of God
in all my storms, past, present and future.
I pray I will always seek him in my
storms and will continue to
seek the Heart of God from the great
storm I've already lived through.
The one thing that I've learned over these
last twelve or thirteen years is that I
continue to learn and grow and therefore
I need to continue to seek the Heart
of God each and every day.
There may be some of you who say,
"Well you should have never gotten yourself
into that sort of storm to begin with." I must
whole heatedly agree with you! Some have
already said, "Well you should have never left
your husband." That may also be the truth
but the fact still remains, there were things
going on in my marriage that needed
dealt with and I felt this was the only
way I could deal with it. There were other
options but they would have been far more
devastating to others. I can plainly see now,
that the option I chose was not a good one
either. You see, my hindsight is far better
than my foresight.
Some of you may say,
"If you would have kept serving the Lord
and doing right it would have never happened"
I must say, I did make a lot of horrible
decisions but the one thing I didn't do was
to walk away from the Lord and I didn't go
looking for another man. I was content being
single and living my life in the church and serving.
I didn't turn to men out in the world and I
didn't purposely set out to break up lives
and cause devastation.
You see, there are times that
people have made decisions in their
lives that are still inside the church, they are
still serving and lest you get to know them
well, you will find out that you honestly
don't know them at all.
The person who locked in on my life
was just that. He served in
the church and lived a life, as if he was a
person who had lived a rough life in his earlier
years and then decided to follow the Lord.
I found the cobra that was ta-toed on his arm
was not a past life but was there waiting ever so
patient to find the right person at the right time,
in the right spot, to victimize. I just happened to be
weak and vulnerable and his venom awaited that
perfect time to strike.
I don't believe all of our churches are
filled with people like this but I do believe when the
scripture says that in the last days there will be
wolves in sheep clothing, than we must be vigilant and
watching for just those people and yet not blaming
every person who comes along of being a wolf.
We all know there are truly people who
have been redeemed from a hard life-style and
have truly turned from their own ways.
Now I must say, "If you want to condemn me." I
can probably give you enough ammunition to
do so but I have learned to walk in the grace
of God's forgiveness instead of the
condemnation that I could put upon
myself for letting a person assist me when I
needed help and then getting caught into what
became a trap I couldn't escape. For a period of
a few months, I made some of the largest,
stupidest mistakes in my life and I must say the storm
was large for everyone who lived in and around me.
For this I must reap the harvest of the pains
of lives that I shattered and people who
were hurt in the path of my destruction,
as I am sure there are more
than what I am aware of.
The Texas Rangers felt there was no
possible way I would have avoided
the situation no matter how I tried
as he was determined that I was his
victim and I should be thankful I was
able to get loose.
To this I say that in the future, I hope
to be wiser but also not live as every
man I cross paths with are sociopathic.
Recently the Lord laid this song
upon my heart and when I wrote these words
I didn't have any idea that sharing my story is part
of breaking the chains and setting me free, but
I truly believe it must be part of being set free as
up until two weeks ago I would have never agreed
to share this storm with others. This was my
secret, it was the part of my life I had damned up and
quite frankly I was more than content leaving it that
way. I am guessing I shouldn't have written this
song, for you see the Lord took me serious.
As I started writing my story I realized that even
though my heart had found healing, I was
still allowing the chains of keeping this to myself
bind me and hold me back from all the Lord
wants to do in and through me.
So with this, I leave the words to the song:
AWAKEN MY SOUL
Awaken my soul, Awaken soul
Awaken my soul to live for thee
Awaken my soul, Awaken my soul
Awaken my soul to live for thee
Holy Spirit fall on me
Let your presence rest on me
Mold my life and help me live for you
Holy Spirit fall on me
Let my light shine bright for thee
Holy spirit fall, fall on me
Awaken my soul, Awaken my soul
Awaken my soul to live for thee
Awaken my soul, Awaken my soul
Awaken my soul to live for thee
Holy Spirit fall on me
Break the chains and set me free
The chains of bondage that are so deep and strong
Break them apart and set me free
So that I might live for thee
Holy Spirit fall, fall on me
Awaken my soul, Awaken my soul
Awaken my soul to live for thee
Awaken my soul, Awaken my soul
Awaken my soul to live for thee
Holy Spirit fall on me
Cleans my heart and set me free
Guide my feet as I walk each day
Awake my soul to sing your praise
Lift my voice and not be afraid
Holy Spirit fall, fall on me
Awaken my soul, Awaken my soul
Awaken my soul to live for thee
Awaken my soul, Awaken my soul
Awaken my soul to live for thee
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