Photo provided by Kathy Mitchell
Sometimes arguments are needed because they are the only way
we can communicate our point of view to another. There is a right way to argue
and a wrong way. I am not always sure about the right way, but shouting and
throwing things is not the right way!
But do you sometimes find yourself arguing about something
that is pointless? Do conflicts between you and those you love escalate but not
abate? Have you ever said something with agitation in your voice that garnered
an equally agitated reaction until one or both of you were left with hurt
feelings and a sour taste? As your emotions accelerated have you ever said
something you wished you hadn’t?
There is a principle in God’s word that I have seen work
very beautifully. I hope you will consider it the next time someone gets in
your face and spills out caustic verbiage.
A soft answer turns away wrath,
But a harsh
word stirs up anger.
The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly,
But the mouth
of fools pours forth foolishness.
Proverbs 15.1-2
A “soft answer” does not mean appeasing compromise. It is
not fair to others or to ourselves if we enable others for their wrong
behavior. It is not necessarily Spiritual when we become too agreeable. We
should agree when we can but not while compromising godly convictions.
Years ago, when I was a pastor, my wife and I received a
late night phone call to our home. She answered. The voice on the other end was
loud, harsh and shrill, pouring out accusations with anger. It was directed at
both of us.
I was sure that the caller was the one at fault and asked
her to hand me the phone. I was going to give this individual a piece of my
mind. I thought, “How dare they talk to my wife like that, and how dare they
falsely accuse us both.”
Wisely, she didn’t give me the phone, and wisely, she never
increased her volume but spoke in calm, even tones, speaking the truth in love.
She never gave the individual on the other end of the line any justification
for raising their voice. This caused things to settle and caused the angry
accuser to look at things more realistically. Before they both hung up the
phone, I heard the antagonist’s voice cool down into quietness. Surprisingly,
the caller actually apologized for speaking such harsh words.
Neither my wife nor I had any trouble going to sleep that night but felt blessed that things had turned out as they had. I was amazed at how the Lord had used her soft answer to turn away someone’s wrath.
I wonder how it would have gone if she had handed me the
telephone that night. I might have returned their accusations with accusations
of my own. The volume and tone of our conversation might have intensified until
we both got more and more irrational. Then, neither of us would be willing to
listen to the other, only wanting rather to make our own points loudly and
clearly. Instead, the conversation ended with peacefulness rather
than with perpetual punches.
I cannot guarantee that your soft answers will produce the
same results every time. Some people are too irrational to hear what you have
to say regardless of the tone or volume. But “harsh words stir up anger.”
Speaking harshly to another might cause them to shut up, but it will never
quell any hard feelings they might have toward you.
Next time someone jumps on your case about something, try to
answer them truthfully but gently and see how God might use it in both of your
lives.
Written by Steve Long
Written by Steve Long
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